Even though I'm baby-sitting, Em is sleeping so I will attempt to write!
Today with James, we talked a little bit more about my mom's death. Not actually about her death but the trauma that followed. The first memory I have about hiding my emotions: I don't remember how long after her death it was, but Grandma sat my sister and I down and had us listen to a song. I can't find the lyrics and the release date says 1996, but she died in Dec. of 1991, so I don't know. It was "I'll Build You a Rainbow" by Kapena Anyway's, I remember Grandma saying, It's okay to cry. Even at 7 I knew I had to hide my emotions so when I did start to cry I went to the bathroom to hide them. Grandma came in and again told me it was okay. How sad that at 7 years old I knew, or at least felt like I needed to hide that.
I also remember hearing my sister crying herself to sleep. Then when Grandpa would be abusive at first we both cried. Eventually my sister stopped and I asked her why. She said something to the effect that, what good does it do, he will yell any ways. I on the other hand never stopped crying, guess I'm just too emotional.
I didn't have many thoughts or feelings about my mom's death until 12 years later. I don't know if it was triggered by being in counseling with Joy or something else, but it started full force. I'd have nightmares about the morning of my mom's death. I would wake up to the sound of my sister screaming, like I did that morning. I feared sleeping because of it. It has lessened over the years. James and I talked about how shoving it down it doesn't just sit there, it causes new things/ emotions. The emotion I had the most about her death was loneliness.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
4/15/10
I wrote this almost 2 weeks ago and have not got around to posting it because of a certain adorable baby taking up all my time!
My visit with James was great. Maybe it's the fact that we didn't go into any deep issues! Actually, we are almost done... The first time we finished I was really, nervous, anxious and unsure of it all. This time I think I will do better, or so I hope. We talked about a few things bothering me, one of them being inappropriate comments on this blog. I've really debated and I just can't make it private! So I decided to do comment monitoring. Yes I will still see the comment I don't want up but no one else will!
So I'm preparing for next visit... I told James , I don't really think there is anything I need to do, just need to talk about it more.
Saturday (4/3) something interesting happened. We went down to my parents for Easter and... Grandma brought up Ted. Really? Yes, the person she has not mentioned in I don't know how many years! Perfect opportunity. So I told her, "Speaking of Ted.... I have a weird/ touchy question." I asked her if she knew of anything Ted might of done to have church discipline. She really hesitated, she didn't say yes or no, just ummm. Brad was with us and told me to explain to her why I was asking. So I told her that James and I were talking about how bitter and angry Ted was at the church and James thought maybe there was church discipline is why. She then proceeded to tell me about how Ted was sexually abusive to my mom. My mom told her Stake President about it and something might of happened with that, they don't know if anything did or did not. Surprisingly, I thought something like that had happened so I wasn't that shocked at all! I asked if that was one of the reason for the divorce? Yes, one of the many. And I understand why the reasons of their divorce you would not want to tell kids. So I told her, I'm older (25) now so you can tell me these things you wouldn't tell a little kid. Another thing she said is that he would be-littler her and demean her, AKA verbal/ emotional abuse. Which I also thought was going on.
My visit with James was great. Maybe it's the fact that we didn't go into any deep issues! Actually, we are almost done... The first time we finished I was really, nervous, anxious and unsure of it all. This time I think I will do better, or so I hope. We talked about a few things bothering me, one of them being inappropriate comments on this blog. I've really debated and I just can't make it private! So I decided to do comment monitoring. Yes I will still see the comment I don't want up but no one else will!
So I'm preparing for next visit... I told James , I don't really think there is anything I need to do, just need to talk about it more.
Saturday (4/3) something interesting happened. We went down to my parents for Easter and... Grandma brought up Ted. Really? Yes, the person she has not mentioned in I don't know how many years! Perfect opportunity. So I told her, "Speaking of Ted.... I have a weird/ touchy question." I asked her if she knew of anything Ted might of done to have church discipline. She really hesitated, she didn't say yes or no, just ummm. Brad was with us and told me to explain to her why I was asking. So I told her that James and I were talking about how bitter and angry Ted was at the church and James thought maybe there was church discipline is why. She then proceeded to tell me about how Ted was sexually abusive to my mom. My mom told her Stake President about it and something might of happened with that, they don't know if anything did or did not. Surprisingly, I thought something like that had happened so I wasn't that shocked at all! I asked if that was one of the reason for the divorce? Yes, one of the many. And I understand why the reasons of their divorce you would not want to tell kids. So I told her, I'm older (25) now so you can tell me these things you wouldn't tell a little kid. Another thing she said is that he would be-littler her and demean her, AKA verbal/ emotional abuse. Which I also thought was going on.
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