3/12/08

Ted, As I sit here looking at the St. George Temple I have a mix of emotions. I can picture in my mind your wedding pictures. It is hard to think about what happened in there almost 26 years ago. You were sealed to your wife and children for time and all eternity. Less then 3 year later you abandoned that family and church. The only peace I receive is from the fact that no matter what you do, you can not break seal between my sister and I and our mom. I remember seeing pictures of you for the first time. I was about 6, my mom sat me down on the couch and showed me your wedding pictures. I didn't know what to do or think as she sat there crying. I don't understand why you did what you did. It hurts to think there is not a single picture of you with me. I don't know if I can believe anything you say to me. At the same time I still desperately want a relationship with you. I want to actually have a parent who is there for me and cares about me. I feel like every time I turn around someone is either hurting or leaving me. I'm tired of it. Why can't I just have one parent or grandparent who is there for me? I feel like I have been abandoned by everyone. First you, then my mom, grandparents, and my sister, then you reject me again. Why don't you love me? Why do you feel like you have to lie to me and turn me against my family? Why can't I have a relationship with just you, forget about the past and start over. I wonder what will tell my kids about you. I don't know right now because I am still hoping that you might actually care enough to be around for them. The way everything has gone the past 23 years, I need to just realize that it is never going to happen and move on.

3/5/08

I'm mad at my parents right now. I am mad about the choices they made and how they have affected my whole life. I am starting once again to struggle with my mom's death. For 12 years I never dealt with it, then through SOLE it made it all easier. Now 4 years later for some reason I am starting to remember more details. Before tonight I only remembered the day she died and very little about her viewing. Tonight as I tried to go to sleep I started seeing more about the viewing and seeing and feeling the funeral. I can see me sitting on the bench in the church. It was the same room I met my husband in. I sit there and feel nothing. I don't cry, I'm not sad, I am numb and in shock. I feel completely emotionless. I now remember standing outside the church as they brought her out. Before then I always wondered what the doors at the front of the chapel were for, then I found out. I just stood there and watched. I don't remember the cemetery at all or anything after that. Why did my parents have to be so selfish? It is one thing to ignore emotional needs. I can understand because I never once expressed pain or hurt about anything. But me physically being in pain is totally different. I told them numerous time how much pain I was in and they didn't care. They ever told me so. Now in my life it is causing all these problems because they only thought about themselves and money. I'm afraid to go to sleep. It has been 4 years since I have had any flashbacks about my mom's death. Why are they back all of a sudden? Why do I all of a sudden have this obsessive fear of being sexually abused again? This past weeks I have had 3 dreams about it happening or almost happening again. I am afraid to be alone with guys. The other day the 3 year old boy I watch was playing with a car going across my legs & it was almost as if it was Jack. Here I am watching this boy and he is touching my legs. I kept reminding myself it was okay, but I was still uncomfortable.