2/7/08

Grandma, I always just assumed that you stopped being there for me when I was 15. I don't know what happened, but you weren't there at all. It only got worst after your brother died. Now I realize that you were never there for me, ever. There were so many times in my life that I just needed someone to love and support me, but instead I was felt all alone. I know that you were suffering and having your own pain of grandpa's abuse, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have been there for me. You knew how much pain my sister & I must have been in when our mom died, but you did nothing about it. How could you think that having a 7 & 8 year old listen to a song and that would magically make all the pain and hurt go away? Why didn't you ever ask us what happened that morning? Why were we not allowed to talk about our feelings, how we felt or how much we missed our mom. You didn't care that my sister cried herself to sleep for years. You didn't let my sister and I decide who would adopt us when our mom died. We both knew that we were supposed to go to (uncle). Instead I felt like I was forced to choose you. The way that you told us every word to say to the judge, I knew even at 7 that it wasn't right. If I had been able to speak my mind back then, I would have told you that I wanted to live with my uncle. You would always be my grandma, but I wanted a mom, dad, and siblings to grow up with. I hated growing up having to explain why my parents were old enough to be my grandparents, because they were & then I had to tell everyone that my mom died. It was so rough and I wasn't allowed to ever have an opinion. You don't know how much hurt you have caused me by never being there for me. I felt completely alone and neglected my whole life. All you ever cared about was worldly things and making sure you and your husband were happy. It never mattered what I wanted or how I felt. You had of known that something was wrong that day we were at the Shakespeare Festival, how could you look at your daughter, with fear and panic in her eyes and think nothing is wrong. The truth is you didn't want to deal with it. The thought that I was suffering was too much for you to handle, so you ignored it. (I was going through Jack's abuse at the time and I freaked out because a lady touched me) There were times that you tried to be there for me, but after everything else, I didn't trust you. Sometimes you would tell me that dad didn't mean what he said and that you didn't like it when he was like that either. But I learned very young that words meant nothing and that the next time dad yelled at me you were just going to blame it on me anyway's. Why did you do that? I'm sure all you wanted was to protect you, so you didn't feel responsible, so you blamed it on me. I can count on one hand the number of times you have been there for me. You tried to control everything I did, so that you would feel in control of your own life. You knew how much pain I was in because of dad's abuse, but you did nothing. I knew it was destroying me because it destroyed you and all your other children. You didn't tell me until 6 months later, once I told you that sometime was wrong, that you finally acknowledged that you knew all along something was majorly wrong in my life. Why didn't you ask me questions, why did you not support me? I felt so unloved. Where were you on my wedding day? Why did you decided to show up only 15 minutes before my sealing? I am so glad that's husband's mom was there for me that day. She is the one who helped me get dressed and ready, I don't think I could have done it alone. You don't know how much it hurt me that you showed up only minutes before the wedding and only stuck around long enough after to be in some pictures and then you left. That day was hard enough not having my mom with me, but I didn't have my grandma either. My mother-in-law on the other hand was there for me, she knew how badly I needed to have a mom on my wedding day. I was shocked that she stayed at the temple with us until all the pictures were done, she could have left long before, but instead she went back up to the dressing room with me to make sure I didn't need anything that I was okay. I can't believe that someone I had only known 3 months cared more about me then you did on my wedding day. Why did you all of a sudden decide to be a mom to be right before the reception? You were so excited to help me get dressed and ready, like I was about to get married, but you missed that part. it is sad that the only good memorizes I have of you on my wedding day was you helping me get ready for the reception, not the sealing! It was hard when you called me today just to ask if we were playing our Wii. Is that all you care about? Why didn't you ask how I was doing, how I was feeling? This past week has been so rough and it is hard facing the things without my parents knowing. You don't even seem to care. I know if I were to tell what is going on you will just freak out about it or once again blame it on me, like I did something wrong to deserve this. I have never felt like you have ever been there for me emotionally. Today you asked me where I had been, I told you a meeting, when you asked what for, I knew I couldn't tell you why, because you wouldn't support me in going to counseling yet again and you would also think I had either made it up or it was my fault. So I told you it was just a church meeting. Your response was, "Oh, I see. It is none of my business." Why couldn't you have said that if I ever needed to talk about it that you would be there for me? Why do I feel like Sister Parker and my friend from SOLE are better mom's to me then you ever will be? Because they are there for me, they can tell when I am hurting and they care enough to ask and make sure I am okay. They are always there for me, they don't pick when to and when not to be supportive. You don't know how much you have hurt me through the years, just by not being there for me.

2/6/08

A letter to a friend from SOLE. 2/6/2008 I was just thinking about you the other day & then again today! Last Thursday I was talking to my counselor, James, and I just wanted to tell you about something that happened. Over the past few weeks I have been having a hard time with what my parents have done and said to me. I can't imagine doing any of those things to my child. It was too painful for me to actually tell James what they did, so I wrote it down before I went and gave it to him to read. As we were talking about the things I wrote, I could feel mom there with me. I kept looking at the chair next to me because I kept expecting her to be there. I could hear her say how proud of me she was for telling James all those things and dealing with them. It was a neat experience and interesting because we were just talking about experiences like that a few weeks ago. Group has been great! The first two weeks we were just warming up and this week we started talking about our experiences and the different things we still feel. Even during the first week I talked like I never did during SOLE. It still seems weird sometimes when I talk and don't hold everything back. Then at the same time I finally feel like I am being the real me! For the past two weeks,the person who is over the group, has really put me on the spot and I actually freely, willingly talk to him. I actually volunteered to share my abuse story next week. It is so crazy, because this was not me at all 4 years ago, you remember how I was! My life at times still seems like an up hill battle. Every time I start to adjust and deal with all my trials something else comes along. My life seems so overwhelming right now, all I can do is just keep going.