We are going to visit my parents this weekend. Apparently my Grandpa has some BIG announcement. I asked him what it was and he started crying (which is actually really common) and mumble something. After I hung up the phone I talked to Brad about it and we got into a deep conversation...
A- How would I feel about him dying? Not that I wish him dead or wish him ill. It would be a mix of emotions. I would be sad. I still miss my Grandpa that was my best friend as a little kid. At the same time, I wish my Grandma wouldn’t have to live with an abusive jerk.
B- My family will be SOOO happy 1 year after he has died because they can finally get him baptized. I could care less! Brad asked me, “What if it was 100% up to you to get his work done?” I told Brad, “I don’t know if I could do it. If he decided to join the church on his own, then that is his decision. I don’t know if I could do that for him.” My wonderful husband pointed you, “You know, when he gets his work done, it’s not like he is getting saved. When he gets that work done for him, it could be his condemnation.” I kept thinking and telling Brad, “It is the same thing if you were to tell me I needed to do Jack's work for him. It feels like I would be the one being baptized for them and be the one saving them!” Brad kept reminding me, “That is why judgment day is call the Great and Dreadful, great for some, dreadful for others. He will be accountable for everything he’s done.” And yet, I still feel like once he is baptized (after he has died) that all his sins will be wiped clean, that he got the life he wanted, he got to live a life full of drinking and abusing and sinning and then it will be wiped cleaned.
I do get that, that is kind of the point when someone is baptized, that their sins are wiped clean. BUT it is their decisions to change their ways, repent of their sins and then get baptized. Not having it both ways like he wants. He has flat out told everyone that it is his wishes, to live the life he wants (aka drink as much as he wants) and then let the family get baptized for him.
At the same time I feel guilt. Apparently, I haven’t fully forgiven him if I still feel like this.
It hurts me that he has no remorse for the things he has said and done to me. I know, abuser usually never so have remorse or even realization of what they have done. One instance stands out to me. I don’t feel it as one of his “abusive moments”, which he is in denial, but more of an attack on me that I know I as a parent would regret. When I was moving out, when he found out I had been cutting, he told me I was evil.
Over the past 10 years my relationship with Grandma has gone from non-existent to wonderful. It was 4 years ago that we started this whole new chapter in our relationship. She has apologized for noting being there for me when I needed someone, for not standing up for me again Grandpa, for saying I was too sensitive and Grandpa wasn’t abusive. Pretty much, you name ,it she has apologized for it. Grandpa on the other hand, still blames everything on me and probably still thinks I’m evil!
Even if I thought my child was evil or messed up, if they were cutting or even doing drugs, I think I (as a rational person) would be impressed that they changed their whole life around in 5 months and got married in the temple! He could still care less.
Other possible guesses for this big announcement this weekend:
He is getting baptized. My husband told me, there is no way. The missionaries aren’t stupid, they won’t baptize him. He is still an alcoholic. I laughed and told him, some of the people in my parents ward that idolize him, man they would baptize him with alcohol on his hand!!!! (I am NOT kidding, they would!)
This is actually an intervention to get him to stop drinking. Yeah right.
He is actually dying. Our guesses- Mine: liver failure from drinking. Brads: Cancer.
