Finally doing it! After my last meeting with James I've become more determined then ever to actually do Something! I love being a mom, but I truly feel like there is more out there for me to do! I've thought about going into Psychology, I want to, but not ready to take that plunge yet, especially since I'm a new mom of a 7 month-old! Tonight I sat down with my husband and he helped me come up with a list of things I needed to do so I can tackle one thing at a time. I have a problem of getting overwhelmed easily and jumping from point A to point Z! I'm excited and trying to get my butt in gear and stay motivated. My big fear, as always, Failure! I'll do a separate post with all the details....
I need to finish blogging about my LAST visit with James ever. I was doing fine, I really was, until we were like 10 minutes from being done and I just started crying!!! Shocking, me crying, I know I always cry. The famous James line, "What are those tears saying?" I was nervous and anxious about the future is what. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. Now that I've archived my #1 dream, being a mom, I need to figure out what's next for me. My baby steps work on my book. We'll see how they go and if I don't feel fulfilled enough I will work on my degree. I know I should just work on my degree now, but now is not the time for me! James and I's session went great. I'm still trying to figure out boundaries because it appears that the more I enforce boundaries the more someone else ups their game! Sigh, I'm keeping at it! I probably will be more stick about my boundaries because of my daughter and how I do not want her exposed to such things!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
6/18/10
Well 12 hours from now is my final appointment with James . A few years ago when I was James and we got to our final appointment I was very anxious about it. I wasn't completely sure I was ready to be done. This time around I have a whole new set of things to be anxious about!
All of my fears revolve around being a parent! I'm worried that I'm not ready. I'm scared to death that I'm going to be a horrible mom! I mean I have zero patience and the kids I baby-sit just annoy me most of the time! I'm also just trying to figure out how to do/ handle it all!
-I'll write more later. I have to get up early to take my husband to work, yeah it sucks having only 1 car! Then he doesn't know if he will or will not be able to take his lunch when I have my appointment with James so I might have to take Em with me!
All of my fears revolve around being a parent! I'm worried that I'm not ready. I'm scared to death that I'm going to be a horrible mom! I mean I have zero patience and the kids I baby-sit just annoy me most of the time! I'm also just trying to figure out how to do/ handle it all!
-I'll write more later. I have to get up early to take my husband to work, yeah it sucks having only 1 car! Then he doesn't know if he will or will not be able to take his lunch when I have my appointment with James so I might have to take Em with me!
Monday, June 7, 2010
6/7/10
Part of my homework with James was to talk to my new Bishop S about my past and what I've done healing wise. It didn't really go as I expected. I've done a LOT of healing work and although I wouldn't say I've 100% forgiven Jack, I'm working on it. The subject in church all started during Sunday School, we started talking about forgiveness, particularly in a marriage, but it took a different turn. The teacher talked about how she had been sexually abused and she though she had dealt with it until she got married, she when sought heal and through priesthood blessings and such (she didn't mention counseling) she found the forgiveness she was looking for. I started thinking, Have I really forgiven Jack? She started talking about how that bitterness goes away as you forgive. As I thought about it I realized, that bitterness I used to have is gone. I'm not saying I like him, but a lot of the strong negative feels have gone away.
Back to talking to my bishop. It is still awkward, I'm new I don't really know him, even though I am open about everything, I don't like telling my whole life story all the time! Plus, forgot to mention Brad was at work so I was there solo with the 6 month old, not exactly easy/ fun. So I did it, told him the short version. I didn't really get into all the healing work I had done, he flipped open his scriptures and started reading a few to me (don't forget there was a whinny 6 month old in the room too, so I wasn't 100% there). Well if you read my blog at all then I hope you know my strong love, and testimony of the Atonement. I accredit my healing that has taken place to that. My bishop talked to me a little about the Atonement and how it helps in healing, I completely understand. In fact I want very much to be able to do SOLE again! Going from SOLE to Group 2 was like taking a step backwards for me. Because SOLE was so amazing, I can't describe what it was like, then Group 2 wasn't as deep as SOLE was. Not complaining about it, it was just different. Then my bishop started asking if I have faith in healing, yes 100% yes. He asked if I believed in the healing power of the Priesthood, again yes. He asked if I have ever gotten a Priesthood blessing to help in the healing, no. To be honest I haven't even thought about it. I've heard others mention getting them to help with the process, but I have not really thought about it. Well, before I knew it he was giving me a blessing. It was a little un-expected, I wasn't planning on getting on today, or any time soon and I was really sad that Brad wasn't there. I REALLY wish I had said something and waited for him, he got off work about 10 minutes after we were done! :(
To describe my day in one word, Long. I had a rough morning- Em didn't sleep well last night, refused to nap before church, we've had a problem with ants coming and eating our dogs food so hubby sprayed for ants before work and I walked on the spray and it burns my feet, I was taking out the trash and the lid fell and broke- Brad was able to fix it later, the baby was grumpy which made me grumpy, I was wearing a brand new White skirt and while putting Em in the car I got dirt all over it so I had to run inside and change! I went to church where for the first time ever Em didn't make a peep, in fact slept trough all of Sacrament meeting! The miracle of the day, she didn't cry a single time at all during church, 3 solid hours and NO crying!!!
Back to talking to my bishop. It is still awkward, I'm new I don't really know him, even though I am open about everything, I don't like telling my whole life story all the time! Plus, forgot to mention Brad was at work so I was there solo with the 6 month old, not exactly easy/ fun. So I did it, told him the short version. I didn't really get into all the healing work I had done, he flipped open his scriptures and started reading a few to me (don't forget there was a whinny 6 month old in the room too, so I wasn't 100% there). Well if you read my blog at all then I hope you know my strong love, and testimony of the Atonement. I accredit my healing that has taken place to that. My bishop talked to me a little about the Atonement and how it helps in healing, I completely understand. In fact I want very much to be able to do SOLE again! Going from SOLE to Group 2 was like taking a step backwards for me. Because SOLE was so amazing, I can't describe what it was like, then Group 2 wasn't as deep as SOLE was. Not complaining about it, it was just different. Then my bishop started asking if I have faith in healing, yes 100% yes. He asked if I believed in the healing power of the Priesthood, again yes. He asked if I have ever gotten a Priesthood blessing to help in the healing, no. To be honest I haven't even thought about it. I've heard others mention getting them to help with the process, but I have not really thought about it. Well, before I knew it he was giving me a blessing. It was a little un-expected, I wasn't planning on getting on today, or any time soon and I was really sad that Brad wasn't there. I REALLY wish I had said something and waited for him, he got off work about 10 minutes after we were done! :(
To describe my day in one word, Long. I had a rough morning- Em didn't sleep well last night, refused to nap before church, we've had a problem with ants coming and eating our dogs food so hubby sprayed for ants before work and I walked on the spray and it burns my feet, I was taking out the trash and the lid fell and broke- Brad was able to fix it later, the baby was grumpy which made me grumpy, I was wearing a brand new White skirt and while putting Em in the car I got dirt all over it so I had to run inside and change! I went to church where for the first time ever Em didn't make a peep, in fact slept trough all of Sacrament meeting! The miracle of the day, she didn't cry a single time at all during church, 3 solid hours and NO crying!!!
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