5/25/10

I found this article that I really like and totally agree with. I honestly believe that if my mom were alive she could tell me all I wanted to know about Ted. She was starting to share things with my older sister, who was 8 at the time, before she passed away.

( http://www.reinventingmyself.com/abandoned2.html)

I know hardly anything about Ted. This is what I do know-

His dad died before I was born, well, even before my parents got married.
His mom died in Aug. when I was 15.
I saw a picture of my grandma for the first time when I was 19.
I do know his parents names.
He grew up in the LDS church.
He served an LDS mission in Canada.
He is no longer active in the LDS church, in fact he hates it!
He has at least 1 sibling, I don't know how many brothers or sisters he has, or their names!
He has served in the Army (or was it the Navy, well something like that).
His birthday is in Jan. (is it the 26? I don't remember) No clue of what year!
I know where he lives.
He wears glasses.
He has brown hair.
I have no idea what eye color, I think brown/ Hazel. My mom had brown, so where do I get my green eyes from?
He worked for the government, I think. He is now retired.
He loves his Scottish heritage

When I "forgave" him and wanted him to be a part of my life I included questions like these so that at least my kids would know stuff about him. After all the crap he threw at me I decided I didn't want the info it was going to be tainted with lies and such.

5/22/10

I knew this has been coming for a while and not that I was trying to drag it on, I just have so many different things that have gone on. So when James would ask, do you think we're done? Nope, got another issue we haven't touched yet. Well, guess what? We're done... One more final meeting in a few weeks.

It feels weird to be done. I don't even know what else to say about this week's visit.

I did find out that my new Bishop (Bishop S), who is understand and supportive of me going to counseling and also has a son who is a counselor in town. James also asked me if I would talk to my new Bishop one on one and tell him more about my past and what work James and I have done. Sigh.... Do I have to? A) James and I are practically done. B) I hate sharing "my whole life story", because really there are so many important/ crazy details that I do have to share every last detail for things to make sense!

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. It's different now that I have a baby in my life. I always pictured myself as a stay at home mom to way too many kids. Now, I feel like I still need to figure myself out. Yes, I want to be a mom. But I also feel like there is more out there for me to do.

5/11/10

I'm behind because of moving and not having the Internet. I saw James on April 30 and not again until May 21. We talked a little bit more about my mom's death, not much more I had to say about it. A week or so before our visit I was listening to a song that made me think about me and the way I felt mostly 18 years ago, but also through the years. Sorry, it's hard to explain. It makes sense in my head but doesn't also sound right out loud. I wrote the lyrics down in my journal and James asked if I would read them. I was reluctant, and I am not sure why. So I played the song on my phone. Our previous visit he had mentioned the idea of me writing letters to people about my mom's death particularly, my parents, my sister and God. I wrote a letter to God and he had me read that.