5/29/09

While I was in group the second time everyone kept asking me if I had told Jack's mom, "Colleen", about the abuse that had gone on. It had never crossed my mind. Colleen had been my school teacher and had entrusted me with the care of her son. I baby-sat Jack for probably 3 years. Over a year after group ended I decided it was time to talk to Colleen/ It had been 6 years since I had seen or talked to her. I started with a letter of catching up. We started e-mailing each other and I eased my way into details. I finally told her about what was going on with my dad. It had been going on during that same time that I watched Jack. Her response- "I knew something was bothering you when I had you in class, you always looked so sad and like a 'deer caught in the headlights.' That is one reason I kind of took you under my wing a little bit...I remember asking you several times about your life with your parents, but you were pretty good at hiding things." Is it just me, or do you hate hearing that someone KNEW it was going on. When I told mom B about it she too said that she felt uncomfortable with me watching him! Mom B now refuses to tell dad about what happened, fearing that it was be too upsetting for him. I hate it, I told my secret for a reason and I hate still walking on egg shells around him. I am still currently working my way up to telling her about what her son did. I didn't think it would be this hard. I e-mailed her a few days ago and I'm waiting to hear back before I drop this bomb in her life. In my last e-mail I add that there was more abuse and tried to ease into it, "When my husband and I got married I figured the worst was behind me. I never could have imagined the struggles I would have with trying to get pregnant... Also a few months into our married I started struggling once again with some other previous abuse I had been though. It wasn't until last year, through many more years of counseling, that I was finally able to completely forgive this other person who had abused me. I finally feel whole and happy." Now back to the whole reason why I started writing this post. I didn't know that writing with Colleen as going to bring me so much closer. I couldn't have imagined that it would actually change the way I felt about Jack. He is now in college and is thinking about going into Law or becoming a counselor. When I first read that, I was fired up... How on earth could HE become a COUNSELOR?!??!! For now it is just wait to hear back from Colleen before I tell her about what Jack did. Brad keeps telling me not to tell her, that if I was over it I wouldn't need to. I need to do it, I need her to know. I feel like I did before I gave Joy the letter, I need to get this secret out there.

5/20/09

Bon Fire of Feelings... I don't know what to do with my feelings right now. I had NO idea that this anger was still in me and apparently shoved way down. My husband and I had an enjoyable evening with one of my friends, MacKenzie, from group (the second one, not SOLE) who is also his co-worker. After dinner we sat and talked and I met one of her friends from her second time in group. We decided to burn pictures of her sexual abuser. My husband went home and we went and got lighters and started burning pictures. As I held the pictures of MacKenzie's abuser I could picture mine. I got a chill as I thought about it. The song, Not Ready To Make Nice by the Dixie Chicks came on. We blasted the song and all sang along with it. These un-resolved feelings of anger at Jack surfaced. I thought I was over it. I thought I had forgiven him. Why am I all of a sudden so angry at him? Is this normal?