It has been a stressful day, I have been looking forward to my appointment with James. I had NO idea we were going to be talking about and dealing with THIS again. THIS being my abusive, controlling grandpa. It has left me so annoyed, frustrated, pissed off and so on. I come home and my house is a mess, banging my dog's squeaky toy on the counter helped! Right now I want to drive to where he lives and punch him! Sorry all, I just really need to vent. Wow, didn't realize I was still so angry at him. My family is in denial, to them he is a saint. James asked if I would consider writing grandpa a letter saying that I'm uncomfortable being around him when he's abusive and drinking and actually give it to him. Ha ha ha, yeah that will work if I want to be verbally abused some more! He would flip out! I feel like I'm in a catch 22, if I ignore them, they get mad, if we visit them I'm uncomfortable. When I moved out almost 6 years ago I swore I would not visit or have anything to do with them, I was DONE. It was the pushing factor for us moving here was to get away from them. But no, I still find myself being guilted into visiting, being yelled at because it's husband's families turn for Christmas! Why oh why? I know I'm such a horrible child to say this, but can he just die?
James said that I needed to find my voice with them. Um, wow. I've realized how for 5 years I've been thinking I was "over it" I was dealing with Jack crap now, nope. I thought about it, I started seeing Joy the end of July, didn't say anything/ deal with anything until end of Oct. Then in Feb. I started group and didn't have visits with Joy anymore and didn't see her after group, thus it just died down and I forgot about it. I have major unresolved issues with him! In SOLE I learned that I had a voice and learned to actually talk about the things that were done to me. I did not learn to use my voice with him! Didn't realize that until today!
I need to figure out what boundaries I want/ need with him. Honestly, I don't know. I'm not just saying "I don't know" to avoid it. Last week with James I realized how far from "I don't know" I am, it's amazing. James and I were talking about things involving Jack, very detailed things. I realized that if it was 6 years ago I would be telling Joy "I don't know", instead I sat there, hesitated a little, James reassured me that he's heard it all before and was okay to tell him. After a minute of biting my nails I got it out!
James and I also talked about my sleeping habits, well lack of sleeping. I now have a theory, I could be way off, but I'm going to talk to James about it next time. It makes sense to me now that I think about it, but I'm not sure. 6 years ago I used to fear going to sleep because I would have such horrible flashbacks about my mom's death. Even though I don't struggle with her death like I used to, could my lack of sleeping have anything to do with my PTSD? I'm starting to think so. The other night I got 2 hours of sleep, I tried my hardest to sleep but my body fights it, even with the help of Melatonin pills. Melatonin is what your body naturally produces to make you tired, so it help you fall asleep naturally. Yeah, doesn't work on me!
He also told me to look into a few books. I already forgot the name of one of them. The other one is "It Will Never Happen To Me" by Claudia Black.
