6/30/2003

My whole body is shaking, I'm crying so hard right now I can barely breath. I have never felt so much despair in my life. I just want to end it all. It would be so nice to just end everything right now, but I can't. I need to stay strong.

It feels as if a ton of bricks as just thrown on top of me and there is no way out. I want to get away from it all. My grandpa took my car away so I can't leave. So much for Bishop M's advice to leave when my grandpa is mad and verbally abusive.

My grandpa just totally blew up at me, so many words were said I can not even thing. He said how at my job I only make $6 an hour, which I don't. He said "it is worse then flipping burgers at McDonalds". That my job is going to take me nowhere. (for the record, I was 18 and had graduated high school less than a month earlier. I was working at a little ice cream shop)

Somehow, I have no idea and he refuses to tell me, but he knows about my relationship with Sister Parker. Or he knows something about it. He said, "I know about you and Michelle Parker! About how she is your new mother!" I asked him where he was getting that from. He told me straight from the source. He refuses to tell me what this source is. (I concluded he had of read my journal. I had written how she was like a mother to me)

He said he has not been drinking today, I don't believe him. I called Sister Parker and kind of told her what was going on. Right now I don't care if my grandpa reads this. He has read enough of my stuff. I need to get out. I can not take it here any longer. It is not safe here at all!

He things I am very self centered and I don't think of anyone but myself. He has no idea, no idea at all. I almost told him to read my journal, what I said last night. He has no idea what I do around the house. I don't think he wants to know. I'm not a very prideful person.

He can not handle the truth, he went off on how my sister was telling him about the different degrees and glories. How something, I have no idea what he was mumbling about, but because of what we have said to him we (my sister and I) were going to go to hell.

I can't take it anymore, I just can not handle it anymore. There is a reason why I don't tell people how I really feel. I don't let people get close to me for a reason. I have no friends here. It isn't like I can go anywhere right now anyways.

I feel like I can not take this anymore. Just ending it all seems so nice. I just want to be able to be in someone's arms and cry. I used to go on hoping that the future will be better. Someday I will be married and have children, I used to go on for that. Right now it doesn't seem worth it.

I feel like I'm in a totally dark room with no way out. I have tried praying. For once it feels like there is no one there when I really need them. I have such a flood of emotions I can't even think. So many things running through my head.

I couldn't take it anymore. I took a pair of my scissors, but they were too dull to do anything. I went out to my grandpa's tools and was looking for something that was sharp, just then my grandma came out there. I ended up talking to her. There are a few times I feel okay talking to her, at this time I did. I told her how grandpa had no right to say any of that and he didn't know what he was talking about with the Sister Parker thing. She asked me if I had said anything like that in my journal, well not totally. She agreed with me that I should have privacy in my room and he should not be going through my stuff.

I e-mailed Hayley and told her what had happened. I saw her screen name come online and then a few minutes later she signed off. I wondered why she didn't reply to the e-mail or talk to me. Then my phone rang, it was Hayley. She was really worried about me. I told her I was okay.

I tried to go to sleep, but I still felt like crap. I went into the kitchen and tried almost every knife we had, none of them did anything. I wasn't going to do anything life threatening, just enough to put the pain somewhere else. I went back to my room and just kept trying my very dull scissors. Eventually after about 20 times I finally ended up with 2 little cuts on my left wrist. They were barely even bleedings, but it as good enough for me. It was as if all my negative feelings went out those cuts. I already regret doing it, it is something I will never go again.

6/20/2003

Letter from Dad: "I have to figure out how to reconnect with my spiritual side. The interest and enthusiasm has waned. Some of it has been due to your mother's health and the pressure of raising a couple of teenagers."

Journal entry:
After I told Sister Parker I needed to talk to her I showed her what I had written.  "My dad's letter really hurt me. I didn't realize it until now how much it hurt. In it he said that one of the reasons he has not joined the church and has gone down spiritually is from raising my sister and I. I have tired my hardest to be an example to my parents. I try to tell him tings I have learned about the gospel, but they don't care. What have I don't that is so wrong? How could I have turned him from the church? Now all the pain is back, I feel like I can't take him anymore."

After Sister Parker read it she just hugged me and told held me close to her. She told me over and over again "That is not true. Don't believe him. Believe me! That is NOT true!"